genre: romance, slice of life
Release date: february 14; [10:00 pm]
Written by Aira Isane, Katie and Ryousuke
Approved by Rikku
Edited by Ryousuke
Copyrighted; Tsubasa Koteisen
the official music video? the story title was based on >> [correction, this is the right video the title was based on]
The explanation of the title… well you’ll just have to read to find out. 
PILOT/ Part of CHAPTER I: Dry Paint Across the Rainbow
“He was never in my vocabulary…until one day, he became the only word i knew…”
The smell of freshly baked cinnamon rolls surrounded the whole place. Another hectic morning for the bakery, students piling in one by one. You were lucky to get a seat if you came later than 7 am. Everyone sat with strangers of last school year and conversed of the new year.
Uniforms both un-tucked and tucked came unnoticed. But one in particular stood out more than those who were sagging or with ties untied. No, this one had his uniform covered with dry acrylic paint. His khaki pants splattered with hues of blue and his black shirt purposely decorated with white paint. He walked up to the only worker, Rheanne Andrews.
“2 bagels, 1 croissant -ham and cheese, coffee -my regular and maybe a cinnamon roll.” He nodded towards the display window and resumed to scoping the display case before him.
Like always, he added another to his order, a simple sweet roll that he always seems to forget about.
He saw Rheanne’s immobile state. A few seconds later, she finally began to bag his order.
“Here you go,” She reached the bag towards him and smiled. “I added the donut too. Just in case she comes by.” Her smile grew wider. She knew everyone in this school, from freshmen to seniors and even the alumni.
The boy laughed and replied, “I doubt it, she just graduated” and walked away with his head bent down. The bell on the door rang just before he walked out.
“Landon!” Rheane shouted after him. “Look up.” Everyone in the bakery glanced at Rheanne then to the boy. He raised his head only to see last year’s school president, valedictorian, the old school librarian helper and past worker of the bakery.
“Elizabeth, you’re back?” He questioned her.
“She wouldn’t let us begin our year without her.” Rheanne commented. She stepped out of the counter and walked to her senior. She sighed in contemplation, “I need you” was what she whispered. No one heard except for the three of them, her, Elizabeth and Landon.
As a senior, and a figure of authority to most students, it’s hard for her to show such weakness especially at a time where nothing good comes out right.
Elizabeth looked down at her, “There is always an unspoken conversation between you and I. This can’t be one of them” and with that, she walked towards the back of the bakery.
1st part: december 14; Rheanne
I can see how you tried to be descriptive, I can almost see every part of it. I’m pretty sure you’re worried about space, but I would have loved it if the placement of the furnitures were described as well and maybe her clothing would have helped emphasize the “winter season”.
2nd part: december 14; Damian
There were a few typos and maybe even fragments but I see you wrote it just recently. I hope you got his personality down. By the sound of it, Damian is a very quiet person, in a sense that he’s almost a lot like Rheanne. Both are conservative and they think a lot. Another thing is, earlier you said you couldn’t tell where “the trees stood and where they didn’t” and then you say, the “trees’ skeleton brought some color”. It’s kind of contradicting isn’t it? If you said they were covered by snow, wouldn’t it be hard to cast a shadow that looked like tree trunks? That’s just my POV.
I actually thought I overdid a lot of the descriptions, especially with Rheanne but I think that part of her is significant. I mean she’s supposed to be observant. I checked a few things you said, and it does sound a little weird that he’s talking like that. I just hope I captured the real Damian.
As always, you display a remarkable ability to bring you’re characters to life, your use of flaws in characters abilities, morals etc is great. And it makes them real to the readers.
I think however that it would serve you well to cut back on some of the description you put into some parts of the story, I think that part of the joy of reading is using one’s own imagination to bring the story to life, not just that of the authors. Also, as it is some of the more dense portions of description (ie. describing the colors of the bakery) need revising and are cumbersome to read.
It’s a great start though :]
I see what you’re saying, I also thought that. Even though I keep saying that there’s no need to read the first series, I forget it anyway. It’s just that the bakery was so different from before, it felt like I needed to emphasize that yet there’s no need. I reread it and it is a little awkward. I should remind myself to revise.
Me gusta mucho! I think it’s much bettah! ^_^
Awesome story, did not thought it would be so great when I saw your title!
lol, thanks. the title is still pending since I haven’t found the right title for the story. We’re also redoing the whole format of this story and other stories as well so the updates are a little slow.
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